When You're An On-Again, Off-Again Couple
by Janice G
Summary: Arthur and Alfred are constantly fighting, and they are constantly dragging others into their fights. Kiku had enough, and after convincing Arthur to break up with Alfred, he and his boyfriend Heracles sent Arthur on many dates but he never seems happy. Perhaps Arthur and Alfred's relationship is not as dysfunctional as they think? Based on a Buzzfeed video of the same title.
Kiku reached blindly for his buzzing phone on the nearby nightstand. He sat up on the bed, still groggy, and answered the call only to hear the loud banging of kitchen utensils in the background and a British-American swearing war.

"... _You can't cook to save your fucking life, Arthur! Let's just get McDonald's!"_ A distinctive American roar from the background.

" _Shut your trap, Alfred!_ " This voice was right in Kiku's ear, and he also heard sizzling in a pan. Then there were some shuffling, " _Good morning, Kiku._ " Arthur greeted kindly, and Kiku imagined him with a God-forbid spatula in his hand.

"Hello, Asa-san." he replied.

" _I'm just calling to see if I could stay with you for a bit…."_ There was still loud complaining in the background, " _...Because I'm thinking that I should move_ out _of Alfred's flat._ "

Kiku waited for a while before responding, "I see. In that case, Heracles and I will come to pick you up later."

" _That sounds lovely-_ "

" _Arthur, don't leave your embroidery needles on the floor!"_

" _-I did_ not _leave them on the floor, Alfred! You knocked them off the bloody table!"_

" _Well, why the hell_ do _you do embroidery? You're so gay!"_

" _What!?"_

Kiku hung up the phone. Heracles shifted out of the blankets beside him, his bed hair looking very similar to a rat's nest. Kiku was so annoyed he forgot to be embarrassed.

"What's going on?" Heracles asked, weary.

"Asa and Alfred-san are fighting again." said Kiku flatly, "We need to go pay them a visit."

Heracles groaned and tucked himself back into the blanket's warm embrace. Kiku sighed, petting a cat sleeping near Heracles' head.

* * *

"No, stop! Don't mess with the chef!" Alfred giggled, a spatula in hand, frying both bacon and eggs in the same pan.

Arthur ticked him on the neck again."You tosser, still so ticklish." Then he leaned on Alfred's shoulder, "It looks great though...not better than scones, but I accept it."

Alfred shot him a blinding smile, and Arthur saw the door open behind him. Kiku and Heracles walked in the doorway, the latter sporting a pair of shades. It was possible that behind those shades, Heracles was still asleep.

"Hey," greeted Alfred, waving a spatula as he turned around, "You guys are just in time for breakfast." He held up a plate. "Hungry?"

Kiku didn't answer. He just nodded like the polite little Japanese boy he was, and dragged Arthur by his ear outside to the front porch, Heracles followed closely behind.

"Wha-Kiku!"

"I do not wish to impose anything," Kiku said, quickly after letting go of Arthur's ear. "But Asa-san, you need to break up with Alfred-san."

Arthur looked clueless. "Why?"

"You two are always fighting about the...I apologize, but the most _stupidest_ things." Kiku explained, and Heracles nodded his head repeatedly.

"So dumb." He said.

Arthur frowned. "No, we don't-"

Kiku was the one to cut him off, "Asa-san, do you remember my birthday?"

Arthur looked up as the memory deep in his brain rose to the surface:

 _Kiku sat in the middle of a dining table in a "happy birthday" hat. A Brit sat on his left and an American sat on his right. Heracles was asleep on the couch, or he was supposed to be, but the arguments coming from the dining room kept him from drifting off to sleep._

" _Because I hate tea." Alfred explained matter-of-factly, when he turned down Arthur's offer to make an Earl Grey for everyone._

" _How can you hate_ tea _, you blithering idiot!?" Arthur took offense, and raised his voice. His cheeks were red in embarrassment as he jabbed his finger over Kiku's personal space toward Alfred._

" _Because you taste literally_ nothing _in tea!"_

" _HOW CAN YOU TASTE NOTHING IN TEA!?"_

 _Kiku looked toward the ceiling and sighed when Arthur banged his fists against the table. Alfred's cola nearly flew out of his hand, frustrated at Arthur's outrage._

Arthur shook his head. "He was being an idiot," he said by way of explanation, "Plus, I was hungry that day. We hadn't had supper yet, and we ate nothing during tea time."

Kiku pressed his mouth in a thin line, and Heracles spoke up.

"What about _my_ birthday?" He asked, and Arthur drifted into his thoughts once again:

 _Heracles sat in the middle of the dining table with a "happy birthday" hat. A Brit sat on his left and an American sat on his right. Kiku was hanging out with cats in the living room, or he was supposed to be, but all the cats were hidden under the couch because the argument from the dining room was scaring them._

" _You don't like_ the Avengers _!?" Asked Alfred, his eyes wide behind his glasses._

" _It's unrealistic," explained Arthur in a monotone, "And I'm not a child anymore."_

 _Alfred threw his arms in the air, his voice particularly high-pitched and annoying. "But you believe in fairies? How the heck does this work? HOW CAN I TRUST YOU NOW!?"_

 _When Arthur replied in the same tone of voice, Heracles just took a large gulp of his drink and pretended it was alcohol._

"That wasn't an argument," Arthur pointed out, "It was a 'heated discussion'."

"Asa-san," Kiku was exasperated. He hadn't been this angry since the price of eggs went up by 60 yen. "What about you and Alfred-san's double birthday?"

"The thing with the cold and the flu?" Heracles added helpfully when Arthur appeared to be clueless. Then he remembered:

 _Heracles and Kiku sat in the middle of the dining table. A Brit sat on their left and an American sat on their right, both of them in "happy birthday" hats. Both Heracles and Kiku stared up at the ceilings, silent wishing that they were someplace else._

" _If you have a fever, it means you have a flu, not cold!" Arthur already pulled out a book on medical terms to prove his point. Nobody knew where to got it from, and nobody cared._

" _I don't see any fucking difference!" Alfred whined, pulling out his phone in order to research as well._

" _There is a_ huge _bloody difference!"_

 _It apparently took less than 5 seconds for Alfred to read the article that he pulled up, "I don't still don't see any difference!"_

" _YOU NEED TO READ THROUGH THE WHOLE ARTICLE, GIT!"_

Arthur took a deep breath, then let it out. He was too prideful to let Heracles and Kiku win this argument. "It's normal for couples to fight." He protested a bit too meekly.

There was a moment of silence.

"We never fight." said Kiku.

Arthur simply blinked.

Kiku looked toward Heracles expectantly, and after a few seconds Heracles slowly added. "Right, we never fight."

Arthur was skeptical. "Really?"

Heracles and Kiku nodded, and Arthur wouldn't admit this at any time at any place out loud, but it seemed that those two were making a valid point.

* * *

"We do _not_ fight too much," Alfred said stubbornly. They were situated on a couch in the living room, where Arthur forced Alfred to pause his video game so they could _have a talk_. Arthur could see Alfred's distracted eyes flicker toward the flat screen TV with every word he was saying. He also started opening up a hamburger package as he spoke.

"Yes, we do." Answered Arthur, not looking at Alfred in the eyes either. He wanted to tell Alfred to put his hamburger down, or at least turn off the TV, but he knew that now wasn't the best time to start yet another argument.

"We fight a normal amount." Alfred's eyes darted toward the TV screen again.

"We do _not_ fight a normal amount," said Arthur, and shot the American a glare. "We fight _more_ than a bloody normal amount."

Alfred took a bite of the hamburger in his hand, and challenged Arthur's glare by staring back innocently. "I fight the normal amount,"-a sip of his cola-"You fight the unnormal amount."

Arthur made a face. 'Unnormal' wasn't a word, but, again, now wasn't the right time for an argument. "What?" He asked instead.

"Artie, you love fighting." Said Alfred matter-of-factly, as if it was a valid explanation.

"I _do_ not love fighting." Arthur felt anger bubbling up his chest. Alfred really was pushing his luck here. "I was a gentleman before I met you, but you brought this...this...negative energy into our relationship and now we fight all the time. It's all you, git."

Alfred narrowed his eyes and Arthur felt his mouth dry. What he said wasn't true, of course, and Alfred knew it. Arthur kept his nose high, however, since it was too late to back down now.

"So you're telling me that if you go out there and meet someone else you wouldn't have this problem?" Alfred challenged, grinning, "Dude, you're not fooling me."

Arthur puffed out his chest, "I am capable of being in a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't fight all the time."

"Really." Alfred raised an eyebrow.

"And we should both do that." Arthur continued, and he didn't realize what he said until he had said it. He pretty much just broke up with Alfred, though His brain was registering the rising panic numbly since he decided to watch for Alfred's reaction first. Maybe Alfred would give in, and Arthur wouldn't have to admit his mistake.

But Alfred didn't. He slammed his cola down beside him and picked up his controller. Before he put on his headphones he shot Arthur a glare,"Whatever."

Arthur narrowed his eyes. He wasn't hurt. He definitely wasn't hurt. "Fine," He replied, "Brilliant!"

"Awesome!" Alfred turned away. He already resumed his game.

"Goodbye!" Arthur got up from the couch. "See you never!"

"Fantastic!"

The door slammed shut, and alarmed, Alfred paused his game. He took off his headset and looked around, but Arthur was nowhere in sight.

"Wait," he was greatly confused. "What?"

Arthur had threatened to break up with him many times. It was in each and every one of their arguments, and Alfred himself had threatened to break up with him many times as well. But neither of them meant it, and when they both cooled down it was just a practical joke.

Alfred opened his mouth and closed it like a gaping fish. Was Arthur serious this time?

"Arthur!" He shouted one last time.

He stared at the doorway, and it was just as silent as it had been.

Alfred came to a terrible realization that Arthur _was_ serious this time.

* * *

"Do not worry, Asa-san." said Kiku, "You are far better off."

Arthur faked a smile, "Perhaps it is so."

"I can set you up with my cousin," said Heracles helpfully, petting a cat, "We don't get along that well, but he's loud so I'm sure you'll be used to him."

Kiku kicked Heracles in the shin; the cat growled.

Arthur laughed, "Alright, let's see what you can do then."

A few days later, Arthur was standing in front of a mirror. He couldn't decide whether to gel his hair or just let it go wild as it always had. He hadn't had a first date in ages, and Alfred never did mind his untidy hair.

Heracles popped his head in, and Arthur barely registered the cat on top of his head. "Are you ready for the date?"

Arthur didn't reply. He simply turned around to give him an awkward smile.

"So, uh, when you're with my cousin tonight, can you make sure you're not..." Heracles spaced out for a second, "...Argumentative at all?"

Arthur frowned. "Heracles," He said calmly, "I am not going to argue with your cousin, or anyone for that matter." He turned around back to the mirror. "I am not going to fight anymore."

"Okay...just...really tone it down today, okay?"

"Of course."

"Thank you." And with that, Heracles was out the door.

Arthur looked at himself in the mirror again. Perhaps he should gel his hair tonight. Afterall, not everybody was as carefree as Alfred.

Then he mentally slapped himself in the head.

 _Stop thinking about Alfred, you idiot. Just...stop it._

* * *

"I don't know," said Sadiq, Heracles' cousin. "I just don't really like looking into the past, you know."

Arthur look a sip of his tea and thought about his bookshelf of Victorian literature. "Any reason why?" He asked, just to be polite.

"It's just that the people who like looking into the past, whether it's history or old buildings or technology, all seem like old men," He explained, grinning, eyes twinkling behind his mask. This man would have been handsome, but Arthur was too annoyed to see the appeal. "It's best to keep up with today's trends, right? Think more about things like space colonization or the future of gourmet and fashion?"

 _Old men….you look older than_ me _, you ignorant arsehole._ Arthur grumbled in his mind.

"Of course," Arthur said instead, his face plastered with a smile. He tried to think about the most trendy thing he knew. "Say, have you read Harry Potter? Universal Studios recently made a Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Florida."

"Yeah, I've been there actually."

Arthur hadn't been there. He just liked the books, though he would never wanted to admit it out loud. "...Brilliant. It is a...ah...great b-book series."

"And movies series."

Arthur concluded that this guy hadn't even read the books. "Indeed."

* * *

"Hey, waitress! Comes give this guy a beer too!" Arthur's new white-haired date called to a lady in a formal attire and apron. She nodded politely and turned to head towards the kitchen.

Arthur felt his stomach drop. Alfred had once recorded him drunk before, and it was not a pleasant sight….though half of it definitely had been Alfred's own contribution. Sure, Arthur could be a bit energetic while wasted, but it was Alfred that changed him into that bloody server outfit.

"Ah...that won't be necessary." Arthur pushed away the beer that was offered to him. It was a huge mug filled to the brim, and honestly a bit terrifying to look at. This date was a surprisingly pleasant company, and he didn't want to screw things up. Perhaps Heracles was right - he was used to loud people.

His date, Gilbert Beil...Beil...some-difficult-German-name, laughed maniacally, as if Arthur's reaction was hilarious to him. But then again he might be drunk; he was chugging his fourth beer already and their food hadn't even come.

"Don't be silly, beer is awesome, just like me!"

Arthur's eyebrows twitched. This boisterous attitude...very similar to a certain American.

"Anyone who doesn't like beer is un-awesome." He leaned forward, red eyes boring into green ones. Then he smirked. "I'm sure you're not un-awesome, but you're just trying to be some kind of prim-and-proper gentleman."

Arthur narrowed his eyes. "...I beg your pardon?"

"Look, man." He leaned back now, carelessly with his arms behind his head."You should loosen up. You probably aren't usually that gentlemanly anyways. The awesome me doesn't want to go on a date with some kind of stupid aristo-"

Arthur's cheeks burned but he flashed him a smile. "Have you...read Harry Potter?"

* * *

"I think everything in this world is so stupid!" shouted the jumpy Italian. "My best friend Ludwig says that it is our duty to be good citizens, but everyone should just take a break and eat pasta!"

Arthur listened. Feliciano was better as a little brother than a date, and he didn't know why he agreed on coming. His last date, Gilbert, had took the liberty to set them up and Arthur decided that either Gilbert was this Ludwig's brother and wanted to piss him off since it obviously sounded like Ludwig had a crush on Feliciano, or Arthur was just too desperate.

Arthur was almost completely sure that it was the first. Almost.

"It all balances out, you know. Like, we can work hard for a lot of days, then we can take a break and just party and dance with pretty girls and eat pasta and sing songs! Or dance with boys, I dunno. You can come too, we'll have such a good time, and you can meet my best friend Ludwig! Now all we need to do is make a...uh...petition, is that what it's called? I need to go home and ask Ludwig…"

 _That's what weekends are used for, lad, taking a break._ "Have you read Harry Potter?"

* * *

Arthur was reading a book on the balcony but he simply couldn't concentrate. It had been quite a few dates now, but all he could think about was Alfred's hand reaching across the dining table for his when they remember to light a candle. They had many date nights during the first year they were dating, but then it was just pizza and candles and pajamas in the living room. On those nights they were usually arguing, but Alfred would just laugh and laugh, then take off his glasses to wipe his eyes. Arthur would get angrier, but then he would laugh too.

There were times when Alfred stayed up studying for a Physics exam and fell asleep on his desk, his glasses still on his face. College was tough, Arthur knew; he had finished Bachelor's just a year ago.

Arthur, usually already in a sleeping robe with a cup of herbal tea in his hands, would go back into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. He would gently set it on Alfred's desk, and stroke the American's blonde locks until he woke up. Alfred's eyelids would flutter, confused, and Arthur would shout at him to go lay down if he really was that tired, so Alfred would stick out his tongue at him. Then he would study until sun rise and Arthur would stay up with him.

Alfred would always come back home a few days later with a distraught expression. He never passed any of his all-nighter exams. Arthur would scold him for procrastination, but then he would reach up to pull Alfred's head down onto his shoulder, and let him stay there until he felt better.

He had wondered many times if Alfred only kept staying up because he liked Arthur sitting right next to him, peaceful and sweet because he was too sleepy to argue.

Arthur closed his book. Perhaps this separation was all for the better. He heard knocking, and saw Kiku pushed open the glass door leading outside. The man flinched a little at the bright sunlight, but took a seat beside Arthur on the balcony. Kiku watched as Arthur stared at the book on his lap, either spacing off or thinking about something so extremely complicated that it left a pained expression on his face.

Sunlight was rare in England, and Arthur liked the sunlight. It was why he had came to sit outside today. Seeing his expression, Kiku couldn't help but wonder why. Why none of his dates were going well, why every time he came home he stayed silent for hours before starting to talk about something completely unrelated.

Then he realized that Alfred, with his bright hair and bright eyes and free-spirited personality, was sort of like the sun - Arthur's sun, to be specific.

"Asa-san," He said carefully, "How are you doing? And I don't mean to pry, but….with the dates and all?"

Arthur tapped on his book, "It's going quite lovely. All of them were really nice blokes. My faith in humanity is nearly restored."

Kiku smiled, only because that was what he was used to in a conversation. "I see. But it's okay if you do not like them."

Arthur squirmed a little. "It's...not that, I don't think. There is just no...ahem...spark? I don't know, finding someone that completely understands you is quite tough, I would say."

"Yes, of course. It is enough that Asa-san is trying his best. Your red-thread partner should be here in no time."

Arthur didn't want to think of a fated partner right now.

"You know, Kiku...I just might…try to be single for a while...is that alright?"

"Of course, Asa-san. Whatever makes you feel better."

Arthur nodded gratefully, and he looked up when there was another knock on the door. Heracles stepped in, his hair very messy and his pants apparently absent. A cat sat on his shoulder, and when he yawned he nearly swallowed the poor cat's tail.

Kiku was unusually quiet, and Arthur looked over only to see him with a fierce frown, his jet-black bangs covering his angry eyes.

"Heracles-san," he started dryly, "I thought we agreed that there should be no naps after five o'clock in the afternoon?"

Heracles rubbed his eyes. "Yes, but...uh….we agreed no naps after five o'clock back when we went to sleep at ten, and we don't now."

Kiku flushed a deep, deep red. Heracles didn't seem to notice. Arthur did though, and he wanted to laugh. If _only_ he could guess why they were sleeping late now.

"I...I…" Kiku stared at his hands on his lap, fists full of the yukata he was wearing. "Are you...implying that we should go to sleep at ten again?"

Heracles replied right away. "No, because I like napping _and_ doing naughty things at night. I like both, so I should have both. I thought I gave you a book on the philosophy of happiness….maybe you forgot to take time to read it?"

Arthur watched, amused. What happened to "never fighting"?

Kiku looked up from his lap, smiling in a devious way that Arthur had never seen on him before. "I would, Nekojirou-san, except you have been taking so many naps you haven't been taking care of your chores. You were suppose to feed the cats and clean the sand boxes on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, but I have been doing it for the past five months...I'm fairly certain that the cats like me more now."

Slowly, Heracles took the cat off his shoulder. He held it in his arms and pat it for a while, as if trying to convince himself that the cats didn't hate him now. Then he pulled open the glass door open again and before he left he said, "Hi Arthur."

"Hello, Heracles."

When he left, Arthur turned to Kiku. There was still a slight stain of pink around his nose, and he was still embarrassed, but Arthur was too elated to care.

"So you lads don't fight?"

Kiku turned to face Arthur and he shook his head quickly. "Yeah, uh, no, not really."

Arthur just nodded and smiled.

* * *

Alfred was eating a cookie and staring at the TV screen when he heard a knock on the door. He was taking a break from the controller physically but his mind was still thinking about how to beat that boss. He hadn't worn a battle since Arthur had left.

When he opened the door and found Arthur standing in the doorway he didn't know what to do.

"You've...got mail...lots of it, actually." said Arthur, just as messy haired and thick-eyebrowed as he was when he left. In his arms were bills and ads and packages he obviously had picked up from Alfred's front door. He had an awkward half-smile dangling on his face, but Alfred was too stunned to tease him about it.

"Right," Alfred's heart was at his throat. He had missed that pair of green eyes. "Yeah."

A few minutes later Arthur found himself sitting on the kitchen counter, and Alfred came over to him with a cup of instant coffee. He gave it to Arthur, and Arthur didn't want it but he accepted it anyways. "Thank you," he said.

Alfred didn't reply. He just looked at him blankly with a through murky glasses that probably hadn't been cleaned since Arthur had left. The blonde fringe hanging out from underneath the pikachu onesie he was wearing was greasy and much darker than its usual color. There were bags under his eyes, and he hadn't shaved. It didn't look mature like the stubble Francis had, but more like the kind teenage boys tend to sport when they were unaware that hair was starting to grow under their chins, exchanging Yu-Gi-Oh cards underneath tables and making fun of each other's braces.

Arthur twirled the spoon in his coffee slowly, watching the steam rise until it blurred out Alfred's face in front of him. "I...want to get back together."

Alfred's eyes widened comically, "No."

Arthur raised a massive eyebrow.

Alfred raised his hands in defense. "Breaking up, was the _best_ damn thing that happened to me-"

"Mm-hm, of course." A roll of the eyes.

"-I finally realized that my life was just one fight after the other. I'm finally free now! What American citizen is not free? _Me_ , when I was with you. And now I'm not. So I'm free."

Arthur was silent for just a second. Then he spoke carefully. "...But, are you happy?"

Alfred swore under his breath. Arthur stared at him with a mocking smirk. The Englishmen always knew what to say. Alfred turned away, marching away from the kitchen. Arthur set the coffee down and followed. He didn't really want to drink it anyways.

"It looks like you haven't left your house in months," said Arthur, following him into his living room, scattered with magazines and games and DVDs.

"Well, it's nuts out there." said Alfred, opening the curtains slightly only to close it again, "The only way to stay safe is to stay right _here._ "

"And by doing this, you think you're free?"

Alfred turned to him, the hood of his onesie falling down. Troubled blue eyes met determined green eyes and stayed there.

Arthur took a step forward. "You're quite right about me, Alfred." he felt heat climbing onto his face. Arthur Kirkland was admitting that someone else was right? Someone better get this poor, insane bloke a cup of tea. The coffee had ruined his logic. "I love to fight, and so do you, because we're honest, direct, and that is just how we communicate."-he raised his voice when Alfred didn't reply-"I don't want to be one of those passive-aggressive couples that keep everything bottled up, do you?"

Alfred sighed and broke the eye contact in favor of staring at his feet. "Isn't there some kind of middle ground?"

"Maybe for normal people but we're not normal!"

Alfred frowned, "But I want to be normal." He met Arthur's eyes briefly but turned away again. "You should go."

"Excuse me?" Arthur looked like he was about to start a fight, but he took a deep breath and waved it off. "Fine."

Alfred leaned on a counter and stared at the floor as Arthur walked passed him to reach the door. He was troubled, but perhaps this separation was for the best. Arthur's fingers brushed briefly on the doorknob, but he turned around one last time to face Alfred. Alfred raised his head slowly.

"I saw the Avengers again." He cocked his head, his gaze meeting Alfred's in a challenge. "It's still awful."

Alfred stood up straight and crossed his arms. He had saw through what Arthur was doing - He was trying to pick a fight. He knew, and he told Arthur just that, but Arthur didn't phase at all. Instead, he reached into his bag and pulled out an embroidery set. His eyes were still challenging Alfred as he unzipped it and pulled out a container of needles. Alfred's eyes widened in alarm.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, don't do that!" Alfred practically shouted.

Arthur gently caress the concrete floor beneath him with his foot, all the while not breaking eye contact with a panicked Alfred. The floor was a limestone color, perfect for his needles to camouflage into. Alfred's feet were bare apart from the thin layer of yellow fabric from his onesie. If the needles were to drop to the floor….

"It took me more than _half_ an hour to get rid of all those _stupid_ needles from the floor the other day, so don't do it." Alfred warned, his eyes narrowing behind his glasses. "Don't do it, Artie."

Arthur smirked. "Don't call me that." And let go of the item in his hand.

And his container fell to the floor with a light _kring_ , needles splayed and tumbled on the concrete floor. Alfred's face changed, and he took a deep breath, his jaw clutched and his hands balled into fists. Arthur merely smiled sadistically.

"GOD DAMMIT ARTHUR, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO LEAVE YOUR EMBROIDERY NEEDLES ON THE FLOOR!"

"I didn't leave it on the floor, idiot, you were the one to knock it over!"

Seeing that this was a reference to previous conversations, Alfred threw out everything he knew against Arthur.

" _The Avengers_ is an awesome movie!"

"A Cold and a flu are completely different!"

"TEA SUCKS."

"MCDONALD'S IS NOT FOOD."

"Fairies are STUPID!"

Their argument was growing childish by the second, and Arthur leaned in, careful not to step on any of his needles. Hey, he could still use them after he forced Alfred to pick them up.

Alfred was too angry to lean backwards, and Arthur whispered into his ear something he knew Alfred wouldn't get. " _Thou'rt by no means valiant; For thou dost fear the soft and tender fork of a poor worm._ "

Alfred paused for a long moment, trying to process what the fuck that Shakespeare crap meant. Then he understood, and he searched his mind for a physics insult. "Your girlfriend has 67 protons!"

Arthur raised his eyebrows."That's chemistry. And you would be describing yourself, love."

"Fuck you." retorted Alfred, and he pulled his boyfriend close and kissed him.

* * *

A/N - This is my first experience writing on this website ...I've written on Wattpad, but the complicated process of publishing this story on here honestly scared the crap out of me...sorry for any awkward formatting...gah I'm such a noob.

Story's based on Buzzfeed video "When You're An On-Again, Off-Again Couple". Here's the link: https:+/www.+you+tube.+com+/watch?+v=gC3mIw+5eTOs

Just take out all the "+" signs. Also, the Shakespeare bit is from the play "Measure for Measure", in Act 3, Scene 1, Duke Vincentio's monologue in prison.

This is how the chemistry insult works: If you go on the periodic table and look at the element with 67 as its atomic number you'll see that the symbol for this element, Holmium, is "Ho".

Reviewing is encouraged.

~Ume-chan

Disclaimer: I swear that I own neither Shakespeare nor Hetalia.


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